I enjoyed talking with him and hearing all that he has going on. My heart longs to hear what he's up to and know what he needs, if only it is to pray for him. To speak the truth in love, I have the desire to draw closer to him and gap the distance I am feeling is growing between us. I don't understand it and I am struggling with giving him the space he said he needs. I am honestly trying not to be intrusive. I am having a hard time pulling back after sharing so much with him. I just want him to be patient with me and know that all I really want is to love him in the way I feel I've been led to on this journey with him. Not being able to do that leaves me feeling like my hands are tied and I'm unable to help him. He said he wants time to get to know who I really am and I agree that's important, very important. I believe that to get to know that vulnerable part of each other, it takes time but it takes time together going through life, talking to one another, sharing what our heart desires, what we dream of, encouraging and building each other up, laughing together and sharing the joy of the Lord. I want so much for him to understand I'm missing that and feeling the loss of it. I'm feeling mechanical, trying to read the set of directions he's given me but I get confused, as if they're in some foreign language and some of the pieces aren't labeled correctly. I'm just not that mechanical. I don't need to see the end product to put the pieces together; I'm creative and I can design something beautiful along the way but I feel as if I have no tools. My perception is off and my intuition isn't even on the radar anymore. I wonder if what he needs is for me to struggle so he can know I'm real and true with my feelings for him. And so I pray. I pray throughout every day and what I hear is to move forward, to press on, to believe and to TRUST. And yet, I struggle. I struggle with this desire to love on him and guard my heart at the same time. I'm just not good at that. Its in me to love big and dream large and risk hard. I need him to be patient with me while I'm floundering. I need him to help me understand who he is and where he's coming from and what he really needs. I need him to confide in me that, yes, he likes things just as they are or, no, this isn't enough. I need him to let me be vulnerable, just as I am right here. I'm uncomfortable even as I type but prayer this morning has brought it out and I need a tangible way to release it. So I've asked him for the time to share some open-hearted communication, to be awkward and honest. We have set aside some time to share, without a tone of trepidation or worry; to look to the Lord to guide us with a loving heart, toward openness and honesty. I want to look forward to it as something purposeful and rewarding.
This page of my journal blog is about my lifelong quest to find true love from one who accepts me just as I am but loves me anyway. And my recent discovery that it's been waiting for me all along.
I've spent most of my life dreaming of the one who would love me and give me all I need to make my dreams come true. I've put alot into each and every man I was so sure God had given me to make a life with. Not all I gave to those relationships was good and alot of the good I did give turned out to be not so good.
I kept believing the "one" was out there waiting to find me and so I really didn't look much. Oh, I'd peek here and there, imagine the potentials of those I ran across but the ones I spent any significant amount of time with, shared my life with, really just happened.
And I began to count on that, take it for granted even, that when one love passed, another would be sent along. I just had to remain confident that I'd recognize my love when he crossed my path.
Sometimes I grew impatient waiting for the Lord to send someone so I'd generate all sorts of other relationships to fill up my time, only to cast them aside when my love did show up. I felt I needed to devote all of my attention to this love so it wouldn't turn out like the last one.
The problem lies, though, in my assumption that God had someone better in mind for me so I wouldn't have to work so hard, overlook so much, or even hurt so badly. I had programmed myself to believe this to be so true, that I'd invariably be caught off guard when my love ultimately revealed himself as human.
Men! When would God ever send me someone who understood a woman? Mars and Venus, you say? Lord, please send me an astronaut!